The Sabotage of Self Doubt
I couldn't, wouldn't, shouldn't.. should I?
Self-doubt is an evil mistress. She creeps into my brain and whispers to me the words that some of us hear all too often,
“You can’t.”
My entire life I have spent my time being a self-doubter. I doubt things before I even get the chance to experience them. I doubt things during and I doubt things when they are done.
Really, I have so much self-doubt in my entire life, it is astounding that I am capable of enjoying things to their entirety — perhaps I don’t.
When I was young, I doubted myself in sports. I had a coach who made this a lot worse for me throughout my high school career. As soon as I got an idea into my head, or made a single mistake, I was hooped. The self-doubt I carried in my athletic career created so many missed opportunities because I just didn’t carry the same confidence that other girls did.
I was incapable of playing team sports without self-doubting my participation, my contribution to the team. I still cringe to this day about certain moments and memories that were pure mistakes. Mistakes that I am sure no one else will ever remember except for me.
In university, I doubted my intelligence. I also doubted my capabilities and would often self-doubt my way into self-abuse in the form of alcohol, late nights, and a lack, or an absurd amount of studying. I doubted my ability to reach my goals and I am still paying for this to this day.
Every single time I write an exam, I doubt my performance. When I have an interview, I think — “oh gosh I probably didn’t get it.” When I complete a task at work, I wonder if it was good enough for the standards of others.
It takes a lot for me to be happy with the things that I have done.
I doubted my relationship from day one. Not in the sense of the relationship as a whole, but why someone would want to be with me in the first place. I would constantly ask my husband if he loved me, and “why?” when we first started dating and for years afterward.
The day he put a ring on my finger, I asked — “are you sure?” without even thinking twice.
The self-doubt Satan resides in my brain, and I am ready for her to leave.
Self-doubt is a part of being human. It is in us all, regardless of the extent that it presents itself on a daily. Some of us are capable of pushing aside the dreaded whisper in our ears. We can tell it, in the kindest way, to piss off.
Some of us though, are not as strong. We have been weak from the beginning or there have been bumps along the road that have formed us into weaker versions of our true selves.
We cannot tell the voice to piss off. Rather, we let it flow on.
We need to strengthen the kickback of the doubt so that it can still present itself (we’re only human) but instead of letting it wash over us and be all-consuming, we can let it run on by without ruining our disposition.
Wash, Rinse, Repeat
There is no magic pill for confidence. There is no way to rewire our brains, no matter the amount of therapy we put ourselves through.
Sometimes, the best thing we can do is to acknowledge what we are feeling and tune into it. Then kindly tell it again- to “scat” (as my 90-year-old grandmother says).
When that wave of sabotage comes over you next time, let it in. Fully. Acknowledge what it is saying and then allow yourself to move on.
Write it down, shake it out and deal with it head-on. Don’t let it become your cape, your cover. Wear it quickly, wash it out and rinse.
Repeat. Every time.
Questions & Answers
The next time you are presented with a situation that leaves you doubting yourself, oppose it.
“You can’t”
“But, why?”
Instead of falling victim to the agreement of the whisper, challenge it. Ask yourself why you think you can’t and challenge the answer.
Because honestly, what if you could do it?
Reflect, Recover & Repair
Looking into our past and reliving the memories that make us shrink in confidence could possibly be more beneficial than we think.
Often, I find myself laying awake in bed and reliving those memories of moments that I wish I had done something better, different, or taken on instead of coward from.
The thing is, when I normally rethink these moments, I am punishing myself instead of trying to fix the issues.
Instead of reworking the “crisis” that occurred, I am reliving it over and over and torturing myself with the self-doubting drama of my past.
If I have a moment that I regret, that I wish I had done differently — I am now going to relive it in the way that I wish I had. I will learn from it and earn from it.
Reliving situations that caused us emotional or physical pain because of our lack of confidence does us no good. We need to deal with the situations and gain experience, rather than reflecting and punishing ourselves for simply being mortal.
Talk about it
Talking to a friend, a family member, or even a therapist about situations that you are doubting can put things in perspective.
Imagine your situation flipped with your closest friend. Would you ever believe that a person so amazing could have any doubts when they are the person you know and love?
Perspective is not always objective. It can often tell you exactly what you need to know about yourself. Ask for help and talk it out with someone you feel at ease with.
Just don’t doubt who you’re talking to, because that’s just a whole other can of worms.
Write it down
Writing your doubts down can also open a new version of perspective from your own eyes.
Often, when we make something physical, we can see it for what it really is.
If you make it conspicuous, it’ll likely seem ridiculous.
Life is too short to doubt things.
If you are thinking of something enough to care about the self-doubt and regret, it’s likely you care about the subject at hand.
Don’t mistake me for thinking that I have the self-doubt witch under control.
As I write this, I am doubting things that are on my mind.
I am just trying to be more cognizant of what I am now allowing to control me.
